| for the love of a boxer |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|09:26 am] |
I am sorry I haven't posted in forever.
I have been stressed to no end , Fighting depression with every being I have. Money is always constantly an issue even though I feel like I am constantly at work. I have my job, more than anything but it pays me soo well that I could never just up and quiting The bills are out weighing the income.I am ashamed of myself and embarrassed that I have to live with my father at the age of 22. I want to move very far away but there is something always kicking me back to where I started.I am fighting with everything I have to keep my boxer Ali, I have had him for 6 years and some people are trying to get rid of him.I need an extra extra exta looonnng vaccation. I will live in my car before he lives with a stranger. People you once thought loved you more than life its self turn on you quicker. How do you forgive someone for such an unforgivable crime, and how do you turn off your emotions when you don't want them to hurt you anymore? ..and how the fuck long is this sunburn going to continue lasting? |
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| my responce to deans letter |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|11:54 pm] |
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RE: I didn't save any of the messages and I just realized that. Body: First of all, I did apologize after the whole thing was brought to my attention, but you wouldn't know that because you passed the fucking phone off.
Second of all, I could care less? You are the one that broke up with me remember? Not caring where I was to go. I am paying a shit load of gas for my car since I live 45 minutes away from work now.
I realize you aren't living comfortably but I am fucking sleeping on a couch every night, and scraping up change to pay off all my bills.
I do have alot of bills.
I am not saying that my bills are in anyway your fault, you just have to take that into consideration with my money.
You however are not taking any considerations to my feelings.
I do not appreciate you being cold and short with me, and threatening friendship is just mean all together!
I realize that you don't want to be my friend or have anything to do with me, but I really didn't do anything wrong.
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| reply from Dean |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
Damn if I knew how to save the messages I would have. The whole thing was a setup. I didn't tell you cause I didn't know if I could trust you not to tell Jen. Jamie knew about the whole thing from the beginning. I told him right away. He knew about the planned stand up. All of it. I can understand you getting upset but the fact that you never apologized after you were made aware of the whole picture urked me. We both need to move on with our lives. We will BOTH be better for it. I don't see a need to communicate with you anymore unless you intend to repay the hundreds of dollars you owe me. You haven't thrown so much as a dime my way towards repayment. I'm not exactly living comfortably financially right now and you could care less. That doesn't seem like a good friend to me. So if you have ANY intention of being my friend then you need to consider repaying me or returning the laptop. Otherwise consider yourself written off FOREVER.
peace
khan |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|11:49 am] |
Dean asked me if I would come and get all of my things from his house, because it was embarrassing for him to have people over to record when there was so much girly stuff all around. I informed him that I was sorry for the inconvenience my things would have already been gone, but I did have to leave on very short notice.
So, I go over there with Kelli , and he pretty much doesn't say anything to me, "Where do you want your stuff, is any of this yours, are you going to take that? When are you getting the pigs?" That was the whole 15 minutes I was there. He also deleted me from his myspace page apparently.
You know it doesn't bother me that he doesn't want to be with me, I am beyond that point, My heart can never be broken like Richard broke it. It just kind of hurts, after 2 years he doesn't even try to be my friend. When he was the one who was like "I love you and care about you, and really want to maintain a strong friendship, you will always be a part of my life"
What really did break my heart, was my "friend" Jennifer sent me a text message telling me that Dean asked her out on a date, but she told him she could never do that to me.
I am livid when I hear this and imediately call Dean, obviously he realized that I was beyond pissed so he hands the phone over to Jamie, and he proceeds to explain that Jen was coming on to Dean and he agreed to meet her at the Mall so that he could blow her off. Nutt and Dean apparently both sent her nasty e-mails about how much of a slut she seemed to be, and how low down she would do that to one of her best friends.
So I sent her a text, saying that the guys were fowarding me the messages and I advice her to do the same.
This is the message I got from Jen
Subject:
I didn't save any of the messages and I just realized that.
Body:
I told Dean I'd hang out with him Saturday but then I realized how much of a shitty friend I'd be if I'd done that, so I cancelled and so did he.
Now that to me, is a completely different tone. At first he asks you out, and you say "No I could never do that to Ashely" and then it changes to, "Well I said I would do it and then thought about it and decided not to"
Seems like she realized her fuck up and needed to cover her tracks before I heard it from someone else.
Its just fucking low down on all directions this week.
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| Diet updates |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|01:10 am] |
I am dieting.
And after 22 years of trying to define myself and that perfect person I want to be.
I have figured out who I am exactly what I want to be.
This is goal, Ideal person. She's sexy, confident, and real.
She isn't the perfect person, she isn't skinny , or flawless.
But she is real and happy with who she is.
I was very much in love with that girl.
I am striving to find her again.
Improving myself a little everyday.
Taking care of myself, caring about myself once again.
I know in my mind what the perfect woman is and I will settle for nothing less.
This is me at the fresh young age of 18.
I didn't realize my true beauty then.
I was always extra hard on myself,
never giving myself the credit I deserved.
Which eventually lead to depression and extreme weight gain.
I am a happier person now.
I have defeated bulimia and other eatting disorders.
I love myself on the inside,
and improving my outward appreance also.
I just want say be happy with who you are.
It's okay to admire other peoples beauty,
but you also have to realize your own as well.
Compliment yourself girls.
Don't lose who you are because you want to be someone else.
btw: As soon as I meet my goal, my reward is to go back blonde :)
( my first two dieting blogs )
I promise to stop excluding you guys in my life, and updating more, not just on dieting or random internets I like. |
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| New Moon |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|09:28 am] |
I really don't mean to make two Twilight post , I really am not that obsessed,
but god damnit I just saw the New Moon trailer premiere and I am already pissed off
at that movie
The beginning started off good, Edward being lovey, going to the birthday, getting a present,(although I believe they were actually supposed to be sitting down in the dinning room, not standing in the hall, but minor detail) paper cut from unwraping present, Jasper lunging for Bella, Edward leaving Bella, Bella in the forest.
Now here is where I get pissed off. When Laurent returns and finds Bella, she is supposed to have already found her medow, and then werewolves come and save her just in time, Not her being in LaPush, and fucking Jake Black jumps out of his house and transforms into a wolf! She has no clue he is a wolf yet!
Arg, I am pissed off already. Possibly because I love the book so much, but judging from this movie trailer, Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black) shirtless for most of this movie (IF THEY DO THAT RIGHT!) Will make the details missing that much better.
I know he's like 17, I don't even care!
And On of Robert for Good measures, Don't want my boyfriend getting jealous of a wolf *wink* 
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| fan girl. |
[May. 30th, 2009|11:00 am] |
 I am not sure if it is because she is standing beside the most beautiful man in the entire world, or if it is her some what funky featured permi stoned face, but girl you are standing beside some gorgeous studs, and you are looking below average. Put on some lipstick, brush your hair, and step away from my future husband.  |
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| Memorial Day |
[May. 26th, 2009|10:08 am] |
I worked Memorial day (which was my one of two days off this week) at 7:30 in the morning, supposed to be able to leave at 12-1:30, which turned out to be 2:30 that afternoon. Ugh, at Sam's club none the less, where everyone and their grandmother were buying mass amounts of red meat (with no bags around them I might add to insult)
That part of the day was very annoying,
Then I went home, finally, and took my dog for a walk, played with my 3 year old baby brother, watched Bolt for the 30th time that day, helped my dad grilled some chicken and steak, logged in all my food for the day,(for Sparks) and then took an hour walk around the block, did some yoga and stayed on the computer all night.
All and all an eventful and mostly enjoyable day.
Even more enjoyable now that I am off work today! |
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| broken hearts club |
[May. 23rd, 2009|04:10 am] |
Dean has broken up with me for the last time about 2 weeks ago. He said he was way to dedicated and involved with his music to be in any sort of relationship at this point in his life, he tells me this after being with him for two years. It boils down to Dean is to much in love with himself to ever love anyone else.
I gave him years, fully devoted, heart open, completely loving and caring and nurturing. I cooked and cleaned and did everything I could till I just felt completely taken advantage of. I gave this relationship 500 percent, and only got 10 percent back in return. It hurts every single bone in my body also. Not as much though, I think I heal quickly now, You can't break my heart as bad after it was crushed and stamped on.
Dean filled me with those lies about how he loved me, and I was wonderful and he wanted to be my friend, then to day I notice his new myspace status is chill and he changed his picture, so I go look, and notice he took down every single of of the pictures of both of us..which I guess is sort of understandable, but then I Notice he took me off his top 10! I know its myspace but it was still a kick to the heart. I have him 3 times on mine, His band is on the top of mine. ..It is just rude and hurtful IMO. |
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| FML |
[May. 19th, 2009|03:19 am] |
real update tomorrow |
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| Namaste |
[May. 12th, 2009|12:28 pm] |
I know I haven't updated in a very long time, Dean and I have somewhat seperated, and I am rekindling that amazing friendship that Kagan and I once had. I am spending time with friends, and family, and straightening out my own emotional problems.
I have come to the realization that I am always so pessimistic, and negative. I feel like that is taking a toll on how I look and feel inside and out, I am letting go of things that I can not control and dealing with each situation as it is presented to me.
Sort of like trying to find the positive in everything, if there is nothing positive then at least not letting the negative have such a harsh effect on my mood.
Being as to how I am pretty sure that I am bi-polar and my emotions are extra sensitive and usually have no gaurd (I am either extremely happy, or angry, or sad, there is no kind of)
I am learning to control these feelings with out repressing them into a breakdown for later.
I am getting life on track for MYSELF, doing what I need to do for me to first and foremost be happy in life, secondly succeed to my standards in life, and finally be able to love myself and everyone else who is dear to me in life.
I just so happen to want Dean apart of that life.
I realize that alot of our problems before , in a nut shell, were mostly to do with me, my lack of ambition and unhappiness with myself. It caused me to be kind of lifeless and mopey. I assure you though that is not the person I truly am. I am ambitious! I do want to take life full force, and I realize that I am tired of being sad with myself, I just do what I can to keep things positive. I have come to love myself during this time apart. I take a little extra pride getting ready, I am eating and exercising to love my body, although I am happy with myself the way I am, I know that I am healthier and happier having a smaller frame.
Wow, this got long, it boils down to, I am finally happy with myself, I know my goals in life, I am comfortable with my life path, and most importantly I love you. |
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| Twilight! |
[Apr. 17th, 2009|01:24 pm] |
So I just finished new moon, and it took me 3 days to read it, but it was really more like two.
I read the first 6 chapters as soon as I got the book, then I read about three the next day due to a long work day and pure exhaustion, then I finished the whole entire book night before last. One wonderfully long continuous night of reading. As I closed the book and looked outside I saw a New Dawn, and thought how fitting :)
I had to resist the urge to run out to walmart right then to buy the 3rd book.
A girl at work is going to let me borrow it, and free is better than not, no matter how excited I am.
I have truly became a die hard fan of this book!
Here some small notes on the book, and a question or two
( so there are no spoiler alerts ) |
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| Going back to school |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|03:51 pm] |
My inevitable anxiety kicked in and I am now an hour late to an appointment at Miller Motte I had already subconscious decided I would not be attending. I keep hearing how this school was expensive, and the presure for me to get my GED is already back, which causes me to be uneasy and antsy. The thought of making myself go sit through that test is almost unbearable. Why can I not take test?! Why is my test anxiety so bad that it effects my whole entire life? I am sure that I know most of the answers. Am I used my anxiety as a cloak for my laziness, but I DO want it! I want it so bad, I just wish I could do it all by myself, not having to deal with the social situation that is involved with taking a GED test. Having to get there an hour early, just to make sure I don't drive all the way up there again, just to be turned away at the door. I almost burst into tears when I gather all the courage I have to go take this eternal damnation of a test just to be turned away, telling me all spots are full? Can they not expand this class? Obviously the demand is high!
Do they not realize this is soul crushing for me?
I will get this done! I just can't find the strength.
I can't find the strength in myself to get this done,
I can't find strength in the encouragement of loved ones, not even Dean.
I get angry when someone says "Just do it, it really isn't that bad"
How are those encouraging words? "You are over reacting just get it over with"
Do they not realize how bad I long for it to be over with?
This next time I go to take the test, will be attempt number 6 to get in the door to actually take the test, and IF I do get to take it, it will be attempt number 2 to pass.
That sounded like my motivation was completely lost, but this was really me putting my all into it!
I usually avoid thinking about this all together, let alone writing it down |
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| my first rainbow(ish) cake |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|03:36 am] |
 This was my first time ever making rainbow(ish) cake! It was so simple, and I was just completely blown away by the vivid colors. I now think all cake should be full of colorful swirly surprise.
warning: heavy imaged! |
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| College?s |
[Apr. 14th, 2009|06:22 pm] |
I just requested information for Miller Motte Tech College, and 5 minutes after I submitted my information I was talking to a woman from the school.
I have a "career path" appointment on Thursday, and I think I may actually go. I have been off and on considering cosmetology for a while now, so why not see what they have to offer or if I will like it.
Lets hope I don't lose my nerve or this motivation. |
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| QUICK POST DUMP OF PREVIOUS WEEKS |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|09:52 pm] |
- My mom had surgery
- I stayed at her house a week
- Mom is recovering and great
- I went to Allan Golds (gay bar) with some girls from work, and danced like I have never danced before.
- Saw one of my ex boyfriends at a gay bar :)
- I am being civil with Kagan again over text messaging, but I am not ready for a real friendship with her yet
- I am currently designing a shark tattoo for my wrist, which will be the closest I will ever come to having someones name tattooed on me.
- My great grandmother is in a coma and on life support
- I accidentally watched Twilight movie with my mother last night.
- I am accidentally reading the second book
- I accidentally became a twilight fan
- She has had austimers for the past 9 years
- She probably won't make it through the week
- I said goodbye to her a long time ago
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| i wish i could eat your cancer well |
[Apr. 1st, 2009|05:32 pm] |
I am heading over to my mothers to help her with her recovery. She has a tumor on her uterus. The tumor is 6cm, we will see how bad her recovery will be tomorrow, depending on if they have to cut her open alot or not.
This is one of the scariest moments of my life. I would love if my boyfriend were supportive, but he is so preoccupied with his medical condition and workings, and school, that I feel he lacks the compassion to care about what's going on in my life, or how I feel also.
I am trying to not think about his lack of compassion though, I love him very much, and know he's going through alot.
I am pretty sure he loves me also, he just doesn't know how to deal with these kinds of emotions.
I know that he is super excited I will be leaving for a week at least, he was telling me last night that if I needed to
he would understand if I had to move back to my moms for a while.
I know he was trying to seem caring, but i could see the hopeful glee behind his words.
I just wanted him to hold me tell me he loved me and that he would fucking miss me.
Fuck worrying over this right now, I have to take care of my mother and go to work, and pay some bills and just deal with life in general!
I need my mom to be perfectly okay. I have no fucking clue at all what I would do with out her.
I won't think negative.
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rosetta_torture's journal
anxious