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[Nov. 26th, 2009|09:09 am] |
12th week of pregnancy today!
Hello second trimester!
Goodbye morning sickness? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2009|10:10 pm] |
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I am in tears of pain with my back. I go to the doctor Monday. Over worry and anxiety start now. Like I needed more? I thought dreaming about miscarriage every night would have made due. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|07:58 am] |
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Pregnancy has devolved me into my high school state of being. I am throwing up after every meal, I can't control any rational thought while emotions run high,and after sex my boyfriend still imediately rolls over and plays video games. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|01:27 pm] |
I need a new car.
I need a four door, for easy access to the back seat,more spacious,and better organized for future baby carseats and accessories. I need a safer more reliable car so I am sure to get back and forth to work and doctor appointments.
These should all justify me buying a new car after I paid my mirage off right? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2009|10:09 pm] |
When Matt had found out I was pregnant he asked me to marry him. Instant panic struck me when I found out he was serious. I don't want to get married simply because we are having a child, although whenever I say I'm pregnant everyone ask when the wedding is. I told him technically I am already married. Which is true, and all the more reason I want to be cautious and sure. The women (and men) in my family have all married multiple times and I'm working on my first divorce. I love Matt to death I really do,but there are certain changes that I would have to see. Such as his idea of a good time and winding down,are not those of a family mans. It was fun for the none responsible off day late night Partying,but we have a child on the way and a million things to prep for. I need this apartment to feel like a home and not just big random blank apartment. I would love us to build it into something warm and loving for us. I would love more for us to get a house, or at least a two bedroom apartment.
I love him I really do,but we have to learn to deal with each other before we sign that we will forever. It is getting a lot better recently. He isn't so demanding and controlling in return makes me more loving and embracing.
I want a happy little family for my child. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|12:36 pm] |
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Is it better for a child to grow up struggling with a happy mother, or survive with financial comforts? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2009|12:43 pm] |
Long time no update.
I am 9 weeks pregnant! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|10:35 am] |
I am in over my head with wants and needs, always putting the needs before the wants.
I am constantly having to put money into some bill or another, and can't even remember the last time I actually bought something for myself. Welcome to being a grown up Ashely, yes I know. I have been doing it all by myself for the past 2 years and haven't got a dime from anyone else so I will gladly suffer just so I can say "fuck you I did it myself"
The car loan has matured, which means 30 cents everyday it isn't paid for, I am going to give them more money Thursday.
I have to pay the quick loan I took out last week to pay the past 2 car payments Thursday also.
My speeding ticket is due next week, there's another chunk of this check gone, It gets paid before anything else. (although I have no clue how much it is)
So my cell phone will have to wait,
(god I really need this stupid thing, I can't even apply for a second job because I have no way of telling people how to get in contact with me)
my tattoo will have to wait again,
(my beautiful cupcake tattoo)
My new clothes will have to wait,
(All the clothes I own are mainly over sized t-shirts and some raggy jeans, I apparently have the wardrobe of a 12 year old boy)
My new plugs and 00g will have to wait.
(my ears have been sitting at 0g for way to long now!)
My finding an apartment will have to wait
(god how I want to move)
The evidence is piling up that I seriously need a second job, I just don't think my body could physically handle working anymore than I do right now.
Can I get a recount of this being a grown up vote? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2009|02:41 pm] |
I know who I am in life now. I know all of my goals, I know my actions and reactions, I know myself mentally and physically, I know what makes me tick, and how to accept myself for exactly who I am , but also know how to improve myself. I know what I am incapable of, but more importantly I know what I am capable of doing.
I just don't know how to love. I do know how to love, I just don't know the boundary. I know how to give myself %100 and completely in a relationship, but I also know how to completely close myself off. I don't know where the balance is. I don't know how to just make things fit into place. I am always paranoid when something gets comfortable, that is when I truly show myself. That is when I would like to think that I shine, when I am compassionate and romantic and devoting myself completely, but these sort of things never seem to be returned. I either date men who are completely independent or dependent. They either don't need me at all, or they are completely reliant of me. I don't want to be the mother or the blow up doll.While I am old fashion in believing shivery is not dead, I would also like someone to prove my theory.
I honestly can't remember when I was truly happy with myself and my surroundings. I suppose when Dean and I first started dating, and in love and ah the bliss of a new relationship, but then it went sour, much like they always do, and then it got ugly, and my heart was broken again. I hate dating, I hate the suspicion of being used, and I hate the mind games and the whole awkward mating dance of the thing, but I love to feel wanted. I love to feel needed and pretty and adored by someone, if only for that 2 hour date where they are getting to know you, and you say everything about you that they may find interesting.
I love even more though when you can be honest, and say what you want and not what you think they want. When you can completely tell them who you are, and just say "My name is Ashely, I am obsessed with zombies, hello kitty, sushi and anime. I am a geeky person who is very quirky. I am neurotic when it comes to how people eat, and go crazy if it is rude or obnoxious in any way. I have a short attention span, and I always throw my love full force."
I want to be happy. Plan and simple yet seems so frustrating. I want a place to call home, I want to create art, I want to construct myself into better things, I want my attitude to change and become upbeat again. I want to love life, I want to explore Chattanooga, I want to explore myself.
Happiness: a state of well-being and contentment : joy b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience |
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| for the love of a boxer |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|09:26 am] |
I am sorry I haven't posted in forever.
I have been stressed to no end , Fighting depression with every being I have. Money is always constantly an issue even though I feel like I am constantly at work. I have my job, more than anything but it pays me soo well that I could never just up and quiting The bills are out weighing the income.I am ashamed of myself and embarrassed that I have to live with my father at the age of 22. I want to move very far away but there is something always kicking me back to where I started.I am fighting with everything I have to keep my boxer Ali, I have had him for 6 years and some people are trying to get rid of him.I need an extra extra exta looonnng vaccation. I will live in my car before he lives with a stranger. People you once thought loved you more than life its self turn on you quicker. How do you forgive someone for such an unforgivable crime, and how do you turn off your emotions when you don't want them to hurt you anymore? ..and how the fuck long is this sunburn going to continue lasting? |
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| my responce to deans letter |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|11:54 pm] |
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RE: I didn't save any of the messages and I just realized that. Body: First of all, I did apologize after the whole thing was brought to my attention, but you wouldn't know that because you passed the fucking phone off.
Second of all, I could care less? You are the one that broke up with me remember? Not caring where I was to go. I am paying a shit load of gas for my car since I live 45 minutes away from work now.
I realize you aren't living comfortably but I am fucking sleeping on a couch every night, and scraping up change to pay off all my bills.
I do have alot of bills.
I am not saying that my bills are in anyway your fault, you just have to take that into consideration with my money.
You however are not taking any considerations to my feelings.
I do not appreciate you being cold and short with me, and threatening friendship is just mean all together!
I realize that you don't want to be my friend or have anything to do with me, but I really didn't do anything wrong.
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| reply from Dean |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
Damn if I knew how to save the messages I would have. The whole thing was a setup. I didn't tell you cause I didn't know if I could trust you not to tell Jen. Jamie knew about the whole thing from the beginning. I told him right away. He knew about the planned stand up. All of it. I can understand you getting upset but the fact that you never apologized after you were made aware of the whole picture urked me. We both need to move on with our lives. We will BOTH be better for it. I don't see a need to communicate with you anymore unless you intend to repay the hundreds of dollars you owe me. You haven't thrown so much as a dime my way towards repayment. I'm not exactly living comfortably financially right now and you could care less. That doesn't seem like a good friend to me. So if you have ANY intention of being my friend then you need to consider repaying me or returning the laptop. Otherwise consider yourself written off FOREVER.
peace
khan |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|11:49 am] |
Dean asked me if I would come and get all of my things from his house, because it was embarrassing for him to have people over to record when there was so much girly stuff all around. I informed him that I was sorry for the inconvenience my things would have already been gone, but I did have to leave on very short notice.
So, I go over there with Kelli , and he pretty much doesn't say anything to me, "Where do you want your stuff, is any of this yours, are you going to take that? When are you getting the pigs?" That was the whole 15 minutes I was there. He also deleted me from his myspace page apparently.
You know it doesn't bother me that he doesn't want to be with me, I am beyond that point, My heart can never be broken like Richard broke it. It just kind of hurts, after 2 years he doesn't even try to be my friend. When he was the one who was like "I love you and care about you, and really want to maintain a strong friendship, you will always be a part of my life"
What really did break my heart, was my "friend" Jennifer sent me a text message telling me that Dean asked her out on a date, but she told him she could never do that to me.
I am livid when I hear this and imediately call Dean, obviously he realized that I was beyond pissed so he hands the phone over to Jamie, and he proceeds to explain that Jen was coming on to Dean and he agreed to meet her at the Mall so that he could blow her off. Nutt and Dean apparently both sent her nasty e-mails about how much of a slut she seemed to be, and how low down she would do that to one of her best friends.
So I sent her a text, saying that the guys were fowarding me the messages and I advice her to do the same.
This is the message I got from Jen
Subject:
I didn't save any of the messages and I just realized that.
Body:
I told Dean I'd hang out with him Saturday but then I realized how much of a shitty friend I'd be if I'd done that, so I cancelled and so did he.
Now that to me, is a completely different tone. At first he asks you out, and you say "No I could never do that to Ashely" and then it changes to, "Well I said I would do it and then thought about it and decided not to"
Seems like she realized her fuck up and needed to cover her tracks before I heard it from someone else.
Its just fucking low down on all directions this week.
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| Diet updates |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|01:10 am] |
I am dieting.
And after 22 years of trying to define myself and that perfect person I want to be.
I have figured out who I am exactly what I want to be.
This is goal, Ideal person. She's sexy, confident, and real.
She isn't the perfect person, she isn't skinny , or flawless.
But she is real and happy with who she is.
I was very much in love with that girl.
I am striving to find her again.
Improving myself a little everyday.
Taking care of myself, caring about myself once again.
I know in my mind what the perfect woman is and I will settle for nothing less.
This is me at the fresh young age of 18.
I didn't realize my true beauty then.
I was always extra hard on myself,
never giving myself the credit I deserved.
Which eventually lead to depression and extreme weight gain.
I am a happier person now.
I have defeated bulimia and other eatting disorders.
I love myself on the inside,
and improving my outward appreance also.
I just want say be happy with who you are.
It's okay to admire other peoples beauty,
but you also have to realize your own as well.
Compliment yourself girls.
Don't lose who you are because you want to be someone else.
btw: As soon as I meet my goal, my reward is to go back blonde :)
( my first two dieting blogs )
I promise to stop excluding you guys in my life, and updating more, not just on dieting or random internets I like. |
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| New Moon |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|09:28 am] |
I really don't mean to make two Twilight post , I really am not that obsessed,
but god damnit I just saw the New Moon trailer premiere and I am already pissed off
at that movie
The beginning started off good, Edward being lovey, going to the birthday, getting a present,(although I believe they were actually supposed to be sitting down in the dinning room, not standing in the hall, but minor detail) paper cut from unwraping present, Jasper lunging for Bella, Edward leaving Bella, Bella in the forest.
Now here is where I get pissed off. When Laurent returns and finds Bella, she is supposed to have already found her medow, and then werewolves come and save her just in time, Not her being in LaPush, and fucking Jake Black jumps out of his house and transforms into a wolf! She has no clue he is a wolf yet!
Arg, I am pissed off already. Possibly because I love the book so much, but judging from this movie trailer, Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black) shirtless for most of this movie (IF THEY DO THAT RIGHT!) Will make the details missing that much better.
I know he's like 17, I don't even care!
And On of Robert for Good measures, Don't want my boyfriend getting jealous of a wolf *wink* 
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| fan girl. |
[May. 30th, 2009|11:00 am] |
 I am not sure if it is because she is standing beside the most beautiful man in the entire world, or if it is her some what funky featured permi stoned face, but girl you are standing beside some gorgeous studs, and you are looking below average. Put on some lipstick, brush your hair, and step away from my future husband.  |
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| Memorial Day |
[May. 26th, 2009|10:08 am] |
I worked Memorial day (which was my one of two days off this week) at 7:30 in the morning, supposed to be able to leave at 12-1:30, which turned out to be 2:30 that afternoon. Ugh, at Sam's club none the less, where everyone and their grandmother were buying mass amounts of red meat (with no bags around them I might add to insult)
That part of the day was very annoying,
Then I went home, finally, and took my dog for a walk, played with my 3 year old baby brother, watched Bolt for the 30th time that day, helped my dad grilled some chicken and steak, logged in all my food for the day,(for Sparks) and then took an hour walk around the block, did some yoga and stayed on the computer all night.
All and all an eventful and mostly enjoyable day.
Even more enjoyable now that I am off work today! |
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rosetta_torture's journal
